Alone In Misery
by Catherine Mackenzie
Summary: It's finished.....Tissue warning


Disclaimers: Don't own anything   
songs: Last Kiss-Pearl Jam Alone-Pearl Jam Misery-Pink Don't Cry (Guns and   
Roses) November Rain (Guns and Roses)  
Feedback: Yeah give me it all  
  
  
  
Harm sat on his couch and held back the tears that wanted to flow. It had  
been two weeks since it had happened. Two of the most painful weeks he'd   
ever lived.  
  
  
*Shadows are falling  
All over town   
Another night the blues  
Got me down  
Oh Misery...I sure could use some  
Company*  
  
  
He wiped the blury vision away. He couldn't believe that he'd really lost   
her. After everything that they'd been through, she was gone. At night,  
when he actually did sleep, it was filled with dreams of her smile, night-  
mares of when she was taken. The memory was still fresh in his mind. He could  
still feel the blood on his hands, the taste of salt of her tears as she  
slipped from this life.  
  
  
*Since he's been gone  
I ain't been the same  
I carry the weight like  
An ol' ball and chain*  
  
"He'll never forget her dying words, for they constanly echoed in his mind.  
Never stopping, the images that lead to the point of no return. "I love you,  
Flyboy. I always have. I just wish that I could have figured it out before  
this." He cradeled her in his arms and whispered in responce. "I love you,  
too, Ninja Girl." A few more words and she was lifeless in his arms.  
  
*Guess it's all meant to be  
For love to cause me misery  
Misery...Misery tell me  
Why does my heart make a   
Fool out of me*  
  
Sarah MacKenzie had been in two car crashes in her life. They both killed  
her in different ways. How Harm would miss their playful bantering, her   
smiles, and how everytime one would come visid, they would order a pizza;  
one half vegi and half meat lovers.  
  
Harm completely avoided everyone. Bud and/or Hariett would try to come and  
talk to him, but he shut down. AJ tried to talk to him, his mother, Grandma  
Sarah even gave it a shot. But the simple fact was, he couldn't survive without  
her.  
  
*Seems it's my destiny  
For love to cause me Misery  
Oh...I've been down this  
Road before where passion  
Turns to pain*  
  
He sat there, looking at a picture, he stared. "Mac, why'd you have to leave  
me?" He asked into the air. Finally, he gave into the pain. Falling onto the   
couch coushin beside him he cried. He cried until it hurt to cry, even then  
he couldn't keep the tears at bay.  
  
His love was killed by the one thing that she fought so hard to stay away  
from. Drunk Drivers.  
  
*Each time I see love  
Walk out that door  
I swore I'd never get  
Caught up again*  
  
JAG HQ  
Fall Chruch VA  
0800 Zulu  
  
Harm drug himslef to work for the fisrt time since it happened. As if nothing  
had taken place, he put up a front. He still looked as sharp as ever. You'd  
never know anything was wrong until you looked in his eyes. Then you could  
read everything that he was feeling, and everything that he'd been through.  
  
*But aint it true...it takes  
What it takes and sometimes...  
We get too smart too late*  
  
During work, Harm buried himself in work. He never came out unless he had  
court or if AJ summoned him.  
  
*One more heartache from  
Another night in Misery  
Misery...misery...misery*  
  
AJ came out of his office, glancing towards Harms. His door was shut and the  
shades were drawn. "Do you think that he'll ever be okay, Sir?" Hariett asked  
walking up to him. "I don't know, Lt. They figured everything out too little  
too late." Aj retreated back into his office and close the hatch. Inside   
Harm's office, he sat staring at the same picture with shaky hands. That   
terrible night replayed in his mind, never ending.  
  
*Tell me why does my heart make a fool  
Out of me seems it's my destiny  
For love to cause me misery*  
  
  
2 weeks ago  
  
In the car the laughed and joked like old times. Everything was going perfect.  
"So, you want to come over and catch a late movie?" Harm asked smiling.   
"Sure." Mac returned the smile. Neither said much of anything else. Nothing  
was needed. Their light was green, so they continued to go through the  
inter-section. It was a rather wet night and not good to drive on.  
  
*Oh where oh were can my baby be?  
The Lord took her away from me  
She's gone to Heaven so I've got  
To be good. So I can see my baby   
when I leave this world*  
  
A pick up truck decided that he wasn't going to stop. He side swipped the car,  
striking Mac's side. It was all over before it began. Harm saw mac limp   
against the passenger window. "Mac." He yellped, pulling her gently into his  
arms.  
  
*I was out on a date in my daddy's car  
We hadn't driven very far  
There in the road, staight ahead  
A car was stalled the engine was dead*  
  
"Harm," Mac whispered, her voice draining along with her life. "I love you,  
Harm." Tears sprung into Harm's eyes as he held his fallen princess. "I love  
you, too, Sarah. You're going to pull through this, mac, you have to. I need  
you. I can't live without you." Mac reached weakly to his face with her palm.  
"You will. I'll always be here with you. You will move on, Commander, that's  
an order."  
  
*I couldn't stop, so I swerved to the right  
I'll never forget the sound that night  
The screamin tires, the bustin glass  
The painful scream that I heard last*  
  
"Aye, Aye." She smiled, her hand dropping; not too heavy to hold. Her smile  
faded and her eyes began to close. "Mac, no, stay with me." Harm pleaded.  
Her eyes popped open agian. "I love you, Harm. I just wish we figured it out  
before this." She whispered, her life now completly drained from her body.  
  
*Oh where, oh were can my baby be?  
The Lord took her away from me  
She's gone to Heaven so I've got  
To be good. So I can see my baby when I leave  
This wrold*  
  
"Mac..." He shook her, trying to bring her spirit back to her pale from.   
"Mac..." He repeated, his head dropping on her rib cage. Tears slid from his   
eyes and onto the dead, lifeless body of his Sarah.  
  
*When I woke up the rain was pouring down  
There were people standing all around  
Something warm flowing through my eyes  
But somehow I found my baby that night*  
  
  
Present time  
  
Remembering every detail of this night, tears sprang into his eyes. He   
couldn't stay at the office. It felt like the walls were closing in. He had  
to get out. Keeping everything in, and drying his eyes, he all but ran like  
a rat from a burning building out of the office. Hariett watched him, she  
knew how he felt. "That's it." She said to herslef. 'Forget the Chain of  
Command, forget orders. He's a friend and I'm going to be there for him, and  
I won't let him push me away any more.' She thought.  
  
*I lifted her head she looked at me and said  
Hold me darlin just a little while.  
I held her close, I kissed her out last kiss  
I found the love that I knew I had missed*  
  
Outside, Hariett found Harm sitting on a bench he and Mac had shared many a  
time. There he sat, trying to keep all his emotions inside. Hariett walked  
up and sat beside him. "Leave me alone, Hariett, please." He whispered, never  
making eyes contact. "I can't do that, Sir. Harm, you're one of my best   
friends. And I'm not doing my job as you one of yours by leaving you alone."  
She said her peice and that was that. "Talk to your friends." She said, her  
voice low, but he heard it loud and clear. "I can't do this, not here."He   
choked. "Fine, come on." She stood up and walked to her car. Harm followed,  
knowing that if he didn't she'd drag him by his ear.  
  
*Well now she's gone even though I hold her tight  
I lost my love, my life that night*  
  
"Where are we going?" He asked, keeping his head down towards the floor.  
"Right here." She answered, pulling into a desearted parking lot. "I come  
here to think and when I want to get away from it all. Now, no one's is   
around. Talk to me." He sat there for a minute, no knowing where or how to  
start.  
  
*Oh, where oh where can my baby be  
The Lord took her away from me  
She's gone to Heaven so I've got  
to be good so I can see my baby  
when I leave this world*  
  
"I just...I just miss her, Hariett." He began, the tears already staring to  
pool. "I feel like I'm lost and I can't find my way home." Hariett watched  
him try to controll his emotions, try to keep it all inside. "I don't know  
if I can go on without her. I..." He stopped, ocean's of salt feeled tears   
streamed down his face. "I don't know what to do."   
  
  
  
*Wide awake and he skakes in a panic  
Never woke up alone ever before  
Had his woman as long as he can remember  
Tries to forget, but he can't, he can't*  
  
"Every where I go I see her. Everytime I walk into JAG I see her, her office.  
Then that night just replays over and over." Harm wiped the tears from his  
cheeks. Harm looked at her and cracked a half smile. "She told me that I was  
gonna move on. She orderd me to move on. But, I don't know if I can." Hariett  
turned in her seat so she was side ways, facing him. "Harm, it's going to be  
hard for a while and everytime you think about good times you have had or may  
have had, it'll be hard. Who's to say that you ever get over a loved one dying?  
You'll always have Mac with you, she'll always be there when you need her.   
All you have to do is look in your heart and there she'll be." Harm placed  
his hand over his heart, where Mac touched before she went. "I need her here,  
now. Where I can see her, where she can tell me that she's going to be okay.  
To tell me that none of this has happened and to most of all tell me that she  
loves me one more time." More tears slid down Harm's red cheeks.   
  
It was all Hariett could do to not cry with him. But she had to remain stong  
for Harm. "Harm..." She said drawing him in for a friendly hug. In her arms  
he cried for his lost love. The cried for the pain that she had when she went.  
He cried because he never got to be with her, never got to make love for the  
first time, he cried for the children that he would never have with her and  
for the wedding that would never happen, but most of all, he cried because  
no matter how much he wanted it, he would never see her again in this lifetime.  
  
*Out of bed and he dreams in the shower  
She's standing naked and apologizing  
Reaches for her 'till his mind becomes  
Blood hot woken up to be burned, burned again...  
Go it alone....*  
  
  
  
  
  
Harm's apartment  
2200 Zulu  
  
After what happened with Hariett, she took him home and that's where he'd been.  
He just sat there staring into the nothingness he felt in his heart. He  
felt so empty. Nothing mattered anymore. The raido played but the words of   
the song that played didn't faze him. He finally snapped out of it when the  
words of the next songs came on. The DJ announced, "And we're back with our  
Guns and Roses Marathon with the last and most requested songs. Here is the  
first and number two in our countdown; Don't Cry."  
  
The music filled the air and Harm listened to the words. The words of this  
song would forever be etched in his memory. This was the song that played  
when the only person he had ever truly loved was taken away.  
  
Tears filled his eyes as he once again remembered the night. The song played  
on.  
  
*Talk to me softly  
There's somthing in your eyes  
Don't hang your head in sorrow  
And please don't cry  
I know how you feel inside I've  
I've been there before  
Somethin's changin' inside you  
And don't you know*  
  
THAT NIGHT 2 WEEKS AGO.   
  
He held the body of Sarah as the EMT's came beside him. Chegwidden was right  
behind them. AJ opened the door and was pain stricken at what he saw. There  
he saw Harm huddled over Mac. "Sir, we need to check you out." Harm looked  
up, tears stained his face. "Just leave me alone." He said then put his head  
back down. Still the song played on.  
  
*Don't you cry tonight  
I still love you baby  
Don't you cry tonight  
Don't you cry tonight  
There's a Heaven above you baby  
And don't you cry tonight*  
  
"He's fine. Get out of here, leave him alone for a second." AJ Finally got  
the EMT's away. "Harm..." Aj placed his hand on his friends shoulder. Again  
Harm showed his face. "Sir?" He said, his voice a raspy whisper. "Are you   
hurt?" AJ said looking at Mac, reminding himself to stay strong for Harm. "No,  
not really, Sir. Just a few bumps."  
  
*Give me a whisper  
And give me a sigh  
Give me a kiss before you  
tell me goodbye  
Don't you take it so hard now  
And please don't take it so bad  
I'll still be thinkin' of you   
And the times we had...baby*  
  
  
PRESENT  
  
Tears slid down his cheeks as the song played. The very words cut through  
him, like a thousand daggers. But, Harm couldn't bring himself to turn it off.  
He rest his head on a pillow and stared in the darkness of his apartment. The  
words continued.  
  
  
*And don't you cry tonight  
Don't you cry tonight  
Don't you cry tonight  
There's a heaven above you baby  
And don't you cry tonight*  
  
"Sarah, it's Harm." He began. In his hand he held the picture he carried.  
"I just wanted to say that I miss you and love you more than you could ever  
imangine. I love you, Ninja Girl. Please always know that."  
  
*And please remember that I never lied  
And please remember  
How I felt inside now honey  
You gatta make it your owm way  
But you'll be alright now sugar  
You'll fell better tomorrow  
Come the morning light now baby*  
  
Soon enough he was asleep and dreams of his Sarah and the times they shared  
took controll of his mind. Then all was black. And the song faded from his  
ears.   
  
  
"Harm, wake up." He thought he heard someone say. "Hey, wake up." He felt   
a hand gently shaking him. Then he heard the sound of her voice calling to  
him. "Flyboy, wake up." He woke with a jolt as light flooded his eyes. He  
looked beside him. He saw the smile he thought he missed so much.  
  
"Mac?" He asked, opening his eyes. "Yes?" She ansered, a slight laugh in her  
voice. "You feel asleep on the way home from the airport and I didn't think  
that you would like to sleep in your car the rest of the day and night." He  
looked confused, he was confused. "You're alive..." He stated not as a question.  
"Well, of course I'm alive. Are you okay?" He nodded his head. "Yeah. I just...  
I guess I was dreaming. I drempt that you had died in a car crash and I held  
you in my arms as you passed. It seemed so real, Mac. It kept flashing from  
then to now and...it just seemed so real." Mac smiled. "Well, it was just a   
dream and I'm alive and well."  
  
The raido played still as the DJ made his last announcement. "And now for the  
number one Guns And Roses number one requested song. November Rain."  
  
*When I look into your eyes  
I can see a love restrained  
But darlin' when I hold you  
Don't you know I feel the same*  
  
Harm looked into Mac's eyes knowing that that dream could very easy become  
a reality. "Mac, I want to tell you something that I should have told you  
a long time ago."  
  
*Cause nothin' lasts forever  
And we both know hearts can change  
And it's hard to hold a candle   
In the cold November rain*  
  
"What?" She asked wondering what he'd been keeping from her.  
  
*We've been through this such a long long time  
Just tryin' to kill the pain  
  
But lovers always come and lovers always go  
An no one's really sure who's letting go today  
Walking away*  
  
"I just wanted to let you know that I love you. I don't mean the kind of love  
that friends share, I'm *IN* love with you."  
  
*If we could take the time  
To lay it on the line  
I could rest my head  
Just knowing that you were mine  
All mine  
So if you want to love me  
Then darlin' don't refrain  
Or I'll just end up walin'  
In the cold November rain*  
  
He continued. "If you don't love me back, that's okay. I just want to make   
sure that you know how I felt before something happens and it's too late."  
  
*Do you need some time...on your own  
Do you need some time...all alone  
Everybody needs some time...  
On their own  
Don't you know you need some time...all alone*  
  
He was about to speak again, but Mac stopped him by covering his mouth with  
her hand. "Do you know how long I've waited to hear you say that?" She asked  
her voice strong. "Probably as long as I've been waiting to say it."  
  
*I know it's hard to keep an open heart  
When even friends seem out to harm you  
But if you could heal a broken heart  
Wouldn't time be out to charm you*  
  
Together they walked to Harm's apartment. "So..." He sentence was cut by   
Mac's lips touching his with all the fire she felt. He retunred the kiss with  
just as much love. Somehow they found their it the bedroom and made love  
creating a bond that, no matter what awaites for them in the future, could  
never be broken.  
  
*Sometimes I need some time...on my own  
Sometimes I need some time...all alone  
Everbody needs some time...on their own  
Don't you know you need some time...all alone  
  
And when you fears subside  
And shodows still remain  
I know that you can love me  
When there's no one left to blame  
So never mind the darkness  
We still can find a way  
'Cause nothin' lasts forever  
Even cold November rain  
  
Don't ya think that you need somebody  
Don't ya think that you need someone  
Everybody needs somebody  
You're not the only one  
You're not the only one 


End file.
